If you want a friendship to stand the test of time, do something for that friend. Do something on their terms that they’re asking for.
I took my own advice years go to give my friendship with Jonathan Sulzbach a jumpstart. We were friends already, but friendships don’t always last. Best friendships do, though, and to give it that upswing, I invested in an opportunity when Jon needed a wingman.
Jonathan and I were in college when unwanted attention from a girl named Rachel became a game of survival. The year was 2011, long enough ago for me to feel my age. Not only were we both English majors, but we were also sharing a dorm room. Naturally, a friendship had been forged. We shared a love for good movies like Star Wars, Star Trek, and Spider-Man. Veteran movie nerds and budding storytellers, we both loved movie artwork and found criticizing less-than-visually-appealing Blu-ray cover art the ego trip for our undiscovered and unpaid artistic genius. That’s two perfectionists in a pod. Watch out, you non-opinionated, level-headed movie lovers.
Despite these obvious indicators of bonding, which I found reassuring, Jonathan showed no inspiring vote of confidence. A pessimist, Jonathan anticipated our dorm room space breading contempt. He expected me to grow tired of him in due time. Thankfully, we stayed roommates until he graduated. Years later, he’d admit being afraid of having a close friend who would leave one day. As the optimist by contrast, I was looking for a new best friend, having lost my childhood best friend to a family move. My thinking was that best friends in adulthood aren’t at the mercy of parents changing jobs. By contrast again, Jonathan wasn’t looking for a best friend, or any friend. Period. He already had one or two, and they were close enough for his taste.
So, we were two friends with polar opposite agendas when, one day, while working together on papers for an English class, Jonathan peered around his computer monitor and hesitantly asked if I would go with him to a coffee shop. At first, I interpreted that as an open invitation for deeper friendship that Jonathan was initiating, which challenged my perception of him. I thought I’d be the one to sow the seeds of this friendship. Accurate to that profile, however, Jonathan finished wording his request as a cry for help. He had committed to meet a girl named Rachel for coffee. She was interested in him, and the coffee shop was where Jon expected confirmation of his worst fears, her sending him strong, direct signals that she wanted to go steady with him.
Alert! Alert!
Unsolicited interest from the alien known as girl!
At least, that was how I pictured the alarms going off in Jonathan’s academically focused, reserved, bachelor mind. Knowing Jonathan’s reserved, collected personality, it was probably not that dramatic. Then again, all boy brains respond the same way to girls, especially the ones who go after the boy they want, social norms be damned.
Rachel’s targeting computer was locked on Jonathan, and despite all his attempts to shake her target lock, Jonathan was practically dead in the water. If he wanted to avoid going down in a pillar of smoke, he needed help. Not on my watch would he spiral.
Romance was the target, and if I had anything to get out of it, a whole new friendship would begin, whether he knew it (liked it) or not.
Cue the reversing of my turbo engines. I came to the rescue by dazzlingly creative maneuvering and positioned myself for conflict resolution, our wingtips point-to-point. It was Obi-Wan-and-Anakin-in-space, R2-D2-and-C-3PO-united. Alfred had his Batman, cape and utility belt at the ready.
As Jonathan debriefed me on the mission at hand, one thing about him became crystal clear. Jonathan was not the sort of guy to make a girl feel miserable in such a collision as unrequited love. Leading her on until she ran out of love fuel with no landing pad for safety was the last thing he wanted. Meeting her for coffee to set things straight was the right thing, except actually saying as much to her face was perhaps asking too much of himself.
So, I was ready as wingman to come petering along with wrench at the ready for sabotage and guns hot for the worst.
Jonathan was sweating bullets, looking quite nervous, when Rachel appeared already sitting down at a table in the coffee shop, coffee securely in her excited hands as she leaned forward in anticipation for the conversation to win her a future husband. She had more to learn about life. Well, in truth, we all did. Seeing her for the first time, I noticed life had not done her any favors in the nasal region. Think in the ballpark of the wicked witch of the west. The sky would outline that tip nicely.
As his wingman, thrusters on full and guns blinking red, I sat down with Jonathan to end things before things got started. Rachel looked at me with the frustration of a planner seeing their well-laid plans come against an unexpected and unavoidable variable. I smiled at the prospect of being that variable.
The whole time she and Jonathan talked, it was written all over her face that the conversation she wanted to have with Jonathan had not a chance in the world with me sharing the table space. I didn’t even get up to buy a cup of coffee. I wasn’t about to leave Rachel with Jonathan for a second.
Needless to say, the target was acquired, locked on, and blasted into oblivion. Barely getting a romantic word in edgewise beyond “since we’re both Christians” and “I think you’re an incredible man of integrity and articulation,” Rachel got up politely but not without outrage and defeat detectable in her tone for us blocking her from using relationship buzz words like relationship, husband, and matrimony in our discussion. She practically stormed out of the coffee shop and Jonathan’s life, leaving the reserved, happily single college student once again to his own independence.
The threat of romantic entanglement was no longer in sight.
Little did she know, let alone care, but Rachel played catalyst in the forging of a life-long friendship between me and Jonathan. To this day, Jonathan and I recall that story fondly with a pinch of “eek.”
The funny part though is how life has changed Jonathan since that day 13 years ago.
The man who wanted nothing to do with matrimony and everything to do with independence, involving a job and home life where coffee, food, video games, and movies abound, now has a wife and a daughter with one on the way.
Romance is part of life, and many find the romantic entanglement that tie them up for good, and for good.
When I saw it happen for him, she became his co-pilot, better than a wingman.
I had an opening recently for a co-pilot. It got filled 9 months and 28 days ago.
One last thing.
It’s a curious thing, the way God sets up those who avoid a thing to eventually find it – and find it in spades. While Jonathan has more responsibility now – more mouths to feed than just his own – and new challenges to face that aren’t on the Rainbow Track of Mario Kart or the wonderlands of Zelda, he experiences God’s character in his role as father and husband. As for me, I had a lot of growing up to do, which put me in a relationship with Brianne ten years later than I had wanted.
That’s life.
It took Jonathan more than a few years after graduation to see the value of our friendship. And that’s okay because I was persistent. We met for coffee and breakfast and lunch and movies and video games and writing. Relationships take time and a willingness to invest and invest continually. In time, we forged something that stood the test of time.
One last, last thing.
So, ladies, here’s a fair warning. You bring along your girlfriends for support and protection when a guy shows unsolicited interest; whereas, guys generally don’t employ the same social net, but when we do, know that it’s not at all a good sign after you’ve initiated.
Don’t give us a Death Star reason to trench your hopes of matrimony.
